The
"I Message," first brought to my attention in the
book, Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr.
Thomas Gordon is actually extremely effective when
resolving a conflict in practically any situation
you might encounter. The premise is that when challenged,
most people will recoil into a defensive mode and
not be open to "problem resolution."
For
instance, pretend (since I know this would never actually
happen) :-) your spouse or significant other has not
been speaking to you lately with what you might consider
the proper amount of respect and consideration. A
"You Message" might be, "You're being rude" or "You're
not being nice" or "You're making me feel badly."
Note
that each sentence began with the word, "You" (as
in, "You are at fault.") Typically, your "other" will
be more concerned with defending their position of
correctness rather than seeking a positive, win/win
solution. Instead, we can temporarily put the "burden"
of the challenge upon ourselves, thus disarming, and
bringing out the best in, them. For example, "It might
just be the way I'm interpreting it, but I feel as
though I'm not being spoken to as nicely as usual.
I'm upset by this, and wonder if we could work this
out together." Note how many times a word containing
"I" is in that message.
What
you've done is to help make him or her a part of the
solution, while also letting them know that their
behavior is certainly not acceptable, and that it
needs to be "adjusted." This works beautifully. Hint:
Don't fear this being "detected as a technique" by
your other. Instead, openly discuss it while things
are good. For instance, you might explain that you
find yourself blaming when in a disagreement, and
that from now on you'd like to try something called
the "I Message". And that next time you are having
a disagreement, you'd appreciate him/her letting you
know if you're speaking with a "You Message" so that
you can correct yourself. Naturally, you're other
will be interested in having you do the same for him/her.
Suggestion: Teach this to your children, friends and
team members as well.
As
with anything, please don't be discouraged if the
first couple of times you try this, the results aren't
"exactly" what you want (although they may just be).
Naturally, practice is involved. I'm telling you,
though, this works! And, it works whether dealing
with your parents, children, boss, a client, the difficult
customer service rep, your nasty neighbor, the banker
who won't let you cash an out of town check ("I'm
a bit confused, since I've been a loyal customer here
for so long. Is there something I've said or done
to appear to be less than willing to back up a check?")
or practically anyone else.
Bob
Burg is author of "Winning Without Intimidation"
and "Endless Referrals." To receive 20% off on Bob's
products visit www.YourSuccessStore.com
or call 877-929-0439. |